Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
