ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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