I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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