i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
