I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
