hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
