Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
