Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
