I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom