I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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