i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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