She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
