i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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