I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And then my night got REAL pukey
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
