If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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