He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
