I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
