I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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