Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
