Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
