I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
