But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
