I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
