I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
