so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
