I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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