I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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