Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
