Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
