i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
