Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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