dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
