I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
