I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
