there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
