She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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