Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
