I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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