are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
