My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Found the puke drawer
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
