someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
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we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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