We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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