new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
