a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
