I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
