I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
P.S. I can't hear my feet
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
