Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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