I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
