TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
