halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
