So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
