You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
