Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
