He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
